So you won’t know

I’m pretending that I don’t like you like that, and I bet you don’t even know. Why would you? I’ve put a lot of effort into this charade, and I’m pulling it off with such ease I’ve almost even convinced myself that I don’t like you like that. Sort of like that creepy thing people do when they’re sad and just smile anyway; eventually the smile becomes real, and the forced weirdness just fades away.

So listen, instead of telling you I like you like that, this is what I’m going to do. I’m going to tell you about some other guy I think is hot or who I’ve slept with recently. Maybe I want you to get jealous, but mostly I just want you to get the impression that I don’t like you like that. I’ll probably hit you in the arm when you say something funny, or brush against you as I’m getting a drink at the bar. Maybe I want you to like it, to think about what if I were naked, but mostly I just want to be close to you in the most inconspicuous way possible.

I’ll keep hanging out with you, so you will know I want to be friends, but sometimes when you text, I wont answer immediately, and sometimes I’ll have other plans that I won’t change to see you, because I want you to think that I don’t like you like that. Sometimes I think that if you do like me like that, I want you to feel the way I feel when I think you don’t like me like that — and when I think these things it makes me an awful person, and I wish I could be less vindictive about it. I pretend that I don’t like you like that because I don’t want you to have the satisfaction of knowing that I do.

Right now I’m wondering if you’re reading this and wondering if it’s you, because if you are then maybe you like me like that too, or maybe you just see right through me and my façade isn’t as perfectly curated for emotion as I thought it was. You know we have fun; I see how you laugh when I tell jokes. Sometimes it makes me think that you like me like that too, but it’s not hard to convince myself of my former opinion — that of course you don’t like me like that. So I’m going to keep pretending I don’t like you like that (maybe forever) because I’m terrified that you don’t like me like that in return.

What you don’t know is that sometimes I can sleep at night because I’m thinking about you. I’ll smile about something you said and concoct scenarios in which you’re madly in love with me and we’re vacationing in some exotic location, drinking out of coconuts. What you don’t know is that when other guys, great guys, make passes at me I reject them because I know it’s unfair to give them my kisses when really it’s you I’m picturing kissing me back. What you don’t know is that every time my phone lights up with a text from you, I feel as giddy as a school girl and I tell all my friends, even if it’s as simple a text as, “How you doing?”

And you’re never going to know any of this (do you think that’s poignant or pathetic?) because I can’t stand the thought of you rejecting me. I would prefer to watch you hand in hand with a thousand girls that aren’t me than to hear that we will never be together. I’m going to keep pretending that I don’t like you like that because as long as I am, I can pretend that maybe one day you will like me like that too. Because in this big city, sometimes I feel scared and alone, and while I’m pretending I don’t like you like that, I know for certain that you will always be there for me when I need you, and I’m scared that if you knew how I really felt, you wouldn’t be there for me at all.

 

 

 

(c) Thought Catalog

Summer

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Finally had the chance to fly out of Manila for a vacation.

Went to Boracay for the first time, and I must say, the two unpaid leaves I took are worth it.

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And I had the time of my life taking these photos.

I always say this, and I will never get tired from saying this: I love sunsets.

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The way the sun sets so gracefully, the play of colors in the sky, the comforting warmth from the setting sun, the charm of the city (or in this case, the beach) bathed in cozy ambience. And this time, I got to witness everything with the sound of the waves kissing the shore.

Magical weekend. I can’t wait to come back. Hopefully next time, I’d get to do it alone.

An introvert’s weekend

As I write this post, my introvert self is half regretting and half glad of how I spent this month’s last weekend.

Started the day buying cake for Miss Jo’s post birthday celebration. Then we headed to Binangonan for lunch and merienda. A lot, and I mean A LOT, of eating happened. We started at 12noon and finished at around 5pm. The only break we got from eating were probably when we were taking photos and playing cards.

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We had so much fun we decided to have a photoshoot on the balcony (activities I rarely participate to)

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So that afternoon was spent in Miss Jo’s backyard, just purely having fun. But it didn’t stop there! (by this time my introvertedness is a bit kicking in already)

We went to the debut of Sir Jojo’s daughter. Well, debuts have a special place in my black heart as I never got to have one (mainly because I didn’t really want to) and it’s fun watching the debutant have a blast with family and friends.

So, dinner meant buffet-style dinner.

And what else would you do in an 18th birthday party? You rape the PHOTO BOOTH.

aaa

And you find that ~wall~ to take pictures of yourself for your next profile picture on Facebook (pleads guilty to doing this haha)

After this party, we went to Cainta for the sleepover. (so tired already at this point. was barely talking na)

Finally got to have some proper drinks after how many weeks. Slept at 3am (Sunday) and woke up at 7am (same day 😦 )

But, I had fun. I think I’ll do all these again after 6 months. I need to recharge.

I can’t be more grateful of this Sunday afternoon – me in my room, alone, listening to some podcasts and updating this blog.

Xo,
Fainah

 

PS, this is my future bridal bouquet.

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Oops happens.

 

 

Oops happens.

And most of the time, oops happens at work.

So that morning, a couple of weeks ago actually, my workmate’s negativity and sino pipiliin mo kami or sila question set my mood on a dark level.

Plus my boss scolded me for something I did not do. Well, I was just asked by a colleague to hand her something cause she was in a rush to do something else. Then boss decides to scold me out of nowhere because of this thing I handed to her – not just once, but twice – because of colleague, still. And said colleague did not do or say anything.

STRESS LEVEL WENT UP

MOOD: FUCK OFF OR I’LL EAT YOU ALIVE

FACE: MY INFAMOUS RBF

 

Best friend to the rescue. Good thing she now works in Ortigas. Turns out she was having some issues in the office as well.

It really feels good to bitch about work to someone not from your office.

Hay. Thankful for this creature. Always.

 

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Xo,

Fainah

Seen on Facebook

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A friend once asked me the same question. I gave the same answer as OP tweeted.

It’s been about half a year already, pero medyo may sakit pa rin but not as much as before.

The last time I saw him, I was trembling. I couldn’t get over it for weeks.

But that’s probably the last. I think I won’t notice him kung magkasalubong man kami. And I’m happy about it.

 

Hanggang dito na lamang.