AYOKO NA

AYOKO NA.

Pagod na pagod na pagod talaga ako. Ayoko na.

I’m too emotionally stressed these days. I thought I’m okay na. I was beaming last Wednesday. People complimented me for it cause they noticed I’ve been very quiet lately, so it was great daw that I’m smiling and talking to people more.

Usually kaya ko namang sarilinin yung pinag dadaanan ko, but this one is different. It’s so different to the point na I am seriously considering transferring to a different office or city.

It’s supposed to be simple – I just fell for him when I wasn’t supposed to. I’ve experienced far more heartbreaking moments compared to this but how is this more painful.

Must be because I see him everyday – going about his day and his life as if nothing happened. It’s so unfair. I never asked for this.

Truth be told, all these feel like it was just thrusted into my arms.

I never saw him that way. I was just talking to him cause I truly enjoy talking to him but people had a different idea. And people – not just those who are close to us, but people who we barely talk to cause they are on a different part of the office and all, but suddenly took interest in US. US. Fuck that pronoun.

I was just minding my own business but people started taking interest in us, noticing too much that we were talking “too much” with each other. And we really did. There wasn’t a day that we didn’t talk. How I wish I could take those days back.

Ayoko na. Sana hindi na lang ako nakinig sa mga sinabi nila. Never naman ako naging special sa kanya. We were just enjoyinh each other’s company by talking. Nothing special. NOTHING FUCKING SPECIAL.

I never planned on confessing those feelings for him. It was very superficial. Ni hindi ko nga inaamin sa sarili ko na I already harbored feelings for him cause the mere fact na pag-amin ko sa sarili ko or thinking about it, makes it so true, and I dont want it to be true. Partly because I dont want to give people a reason to believe what they were thinking or noticing, and partly because I know it will end with me crying buckets – and I really did.

I am such a mess right now.

And ayoko na. AYOKO NA.